Friday, February 13, 2015

How to Help a Grieving Loved One

I know this isn't the most pleasant subject to think about, but I feel it's important to discuss nonetheless.

When I lost Jewel 6 months ago, I was heartbroken.  I've kept the circumstances of her last few weeks mostly to myself because it's simply too painful to talk about - even six months after the fact.  There will always be a kitty-shaped hole in my heart for Jewel.  It brings me comfort to know that I will see her again, but I miss her terribly and still cry over her often.

Losing a furry companion animal can be just as hard, if not harder, than losing a close friend or family member.  I don't think anything can prepare us for the loss, but there are a lot of things you can do to help a loved one who's grieving the loss of her fur baby.

Understand Grief: Grief is complicated, but the more you understand it, the better you can support a grieving loved one.  During grief, your loved one will experience intense emotions, such as anger, guilt, and depression.  Your loved one may lash out at you, blame himself for his pet's death, cry for hours, or obsess about what he could have done differently.  These are all normal reactions.  Do not take it personally if your loved one lashes out at you; he is hurting immensely at this time.  

Remember that there is no set timetable for grieving.  According to Helpguide, many people grieve for 18-24 months, but others may grieve for a longer or shorter time.  

Listen: It's often hard to know what to say to a loved one who's just lost a precious fur baby.  You might be afraid of saying the wrong thing or of making the situation worse.  However, oftentimes just being there to listen is tremendously helpful.  

Offer your support to your loved one, and let her know that you are available to talk with her about her pet, the pet's death, and her feelings.  Grieving individuals often feel isolated, so ensure that your loved one knows that you are there to support her by asking her how she's feeling.  Don't be afraid to talk about your own feelings related to the loss.  Share memories of the lost pet.

Some people need to tell the story of how their pet died over and over in detail.  Allow your loved one to tell her story as many times as she needs to; retelling the story is therapeutic.  Remember not to judge or criticize your loved one for her emotions or reactions.  

If your loved one doesn't feel like talking, that's okay, too.  Just being near her will bring her some comfort, knowing that she isn't alone.  

A Few Statements to Avoid: It's okay not to know what to say to someone who is grieving, but you may want to avoid certain statements.  Some examples include:

  • "I know how you feel."  We can never truly know how another person feels, even if we've gone through a similar situation.  Instead of saying, "I know how you feel," try asking how your loved one feels.  You might even talk about how you felt in a similar situation, but don't compare your grief to your loved one's or take the focus off of her.
  • "Be thankful for what you have."  This statement invalidates the grieving individual's pain.  
  • "It's time to get on with your life."  Sometimes grieving people don't want to move forward with their lives because they are afraid this will mean they are "forgetting" their companion, according to Helpguide.  Instead, validate your loved one's pain and sadness, and help her find ways to memorialize her companion.

Help with Reoccurring Chores: When someone is grieving, he doesn't have the energy to do all of the daily things that need to be done.  Help your loved one by doing his dishes, bringing him dinner, or mowing the grass.  However, don't touch his pet's things without asking.  This can be very upsetting to some grieving individuals.  I haven't been able to bring myself to move Jewel's things because they bring me (and Carmine) comfort, for instance.  Allow your loved one to handle his pet's things when he feels ready.

Continue to be There: Immediately after a companion animal passes away, friends and family are generally very supportive of the bereaved.  However, as the weeks and months pass, a lot of people get busy with their own lives and unintentionally forget about their loved one's grief.  Be the person who checks in on your loved one regularly.  Ask her how she's feeling, and, if you can, be there to support her on difficult days, such as holidays and anniversaries.  These days tend to be particularly difficult for the bereaved.  Knowing that you are there will help your loved one feel less alone and isolated.

Do you have any advice to add?

43 comments:

  1. There's no time line for grief...everyone grieves in their own way and time.

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  2. My vet has an annual memorial service, designed for those who have lost a furry family member in the past year, but open to anyone who remembers a lost pet. I have included some of her readings on my website at http://aimable-c.at/node/301 .

    Among the other things not to say: "It's just a cat." No, it's my cat.

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    1. That is so very sweet of your vet! I might suggest that to ours. :) I will definitely go look at the readings on your site. And I totally agree, it is not "just a cat"! They are our furry children, members of the family and much loved.

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  3. It is so hard to know what to say when someone loses a loved one, but as you mention there are a lot of things that you shouldn't say. I've found that those that bring the most comfort are the ones who hang around and make themselves available. It's never a pleasant subject but I certainly remember those who were there for me in tough times and hope to repay their kindness when they're in a time of need.

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  4. I experienced the same things with Prancer Pie's passing. I just couldn't revisit those last days. His blog comments were left mainly unread. A year later, it's still painful.
    Great information on grief. It's never a subject you want to discuss until it happens.
    Sending purrs of comfort to you.
    XOXO

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    1. Thank you! I am sorry you are still hurting over sweet Prancer Pie. I know he will always be in your heart. Sending purrs of comfort back to you <3

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  5. Losing a furry one is the loss of a family member - a journey that at times will be painful, memories will make it bearable and sometimes bring smiles, and through time a new 'you' will emerge - hopefully reflecting the love that you and your furry one experienced together. This is part of the gift. Much 'lub' to you and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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  6. It is always tough, but that was great advice. Hey, about Gracie's heart. Alex was her HusbandCat and when he went to the Rainbow Bridge Gracie vowed to always keep Alex's heart with her, forever.

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    1. Oh that is so sweet. We bet that was hard on Gracie. We can definitely tell how much she loves Alex <3

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  7. Last spring, the horse I had for 24 years colicked. We tried for several hours to help him, and then I had to make the decision. It was a tough choice because we had gone through this 6 months before--and it worked out that time.

    One thing that really helped me on that day, is that a fellow boarder that I hardly knew, hugged me and said, "You are the most courageous person I know." Those decisions are so hard. It helped me feel right about doing it. So I would add that to the list. Validate the tough decisions.

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    1. Great advice, Judi! I'm sorry to hear about your horse. I know that you did the right thing for him, and it is obvious how much you cared about him.

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  8. That is a great post and very true. The kindest thing you can do for your pet is to let them go. It is a very hard thing to do and the sadness does last a long time. Just have to remember your pet is in a good place.

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  9. We would like to add to NOT say things like "It's so hard to lose a pet." This phrase really bothered Jim, because most people who said it either didn't have a pet or didn't have that level of connection with an animal. Saying something like "'I'm sorry for your loss" is better.

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  10. Thank you for writing this post. After reading it I went to my blog and re-read the comments I got after our Gracie died in June 2013. I had trouble reading them at the time, but it helped to be part of a community that understands.
    I didn't want to write about her illness or tell about her death but grief lessens a bit when it's shared.

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  11. I have to admit, I am crying reading this. It was over five years ago that I lost my dear Daisy. While she had a long life, I wasn't ready to let her go and looking at pictures of my dear 'cow kitty' is still hard to this day. Our furry loved ones are never forgotten...

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    1. I'm sorry, Susan. It is so very hard when our babies leave us. I know you will always remember your baby and treasure the memories you had with her. ::hugs:: and purrs <3

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  12. Grief is a tricking thing, and we all do it differently. There's no right or wrong way, only OUR OWN way. Thanks for this thoughtful post.

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  13. Definitely one of then hardest things in life :(
    ღ husky hugz ღ frum our pack at Love is being owned by a husky!

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  14. I still mourn my long-ago dog, he's been gone more than 20 years. It still hurts, but gets easier, and everyone grieves in different ways (even the pets grieve). Thanks for covering an important topic.

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  15. Losing a pet can be incredibly difficult. Through the years I've found that the pain lessens, but the joy never does. It does take a long time for me to get to the point that the pain lessens, particularly if the death was unexpected.

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  16. well said....there is never anything easy about it

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  17. There are no words that can really help. Listening and just being there are so important. ~Rascal and Rocco

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  18. I didn't have anyone to talk about the loss of my 4 now angel kitties...but now if the unthinkable happens I have lots of fellow bloggers to help.

    ((( ♥ )))

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    1. ::hugs:: I'm so sorry you didn't have the support you needed when you lost your babies. You definitely have us to listen anytime you want - now or in the future!

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  19. Grief is such a hard emotion as everyone handles grief differently. I completely agree with listening as being top priority. Maybe the person doesn't want to talk, and that's okay. Just being there can make a huge difference.

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  20. Grief is a really tough subject because everyone handles it differently. I love that you point out not to tell people that they should be done grieving by now. I'm a bit of an odd duck, but what helps me is just letting me be alone with my thoughts. I'm very introverted and socializing adds unnecessary stress. A lot of time humor really helps me too.

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  21. Grief is such a personal thing, we all deal it in our own way. I was devastated at the loss of my Angel Rose in 2007, and still think of her often! Great post!!

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  22. All great advice… losing a loved one is never easy, and losing a loved fur one can sometimes be more difficult because many people don't understand. They think "oh it's just a cat/dog/whatever…" Having people scoff at your grief and try to minimize it just makes it worse.

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  23. This is a wonderful and heartfelt post that everyone can learn something from. Tara has been gone for 19 months and still not a day goes by that I don't think of her.

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    1. I know you love her so much, Melissa! I know that you can definitely relate to how I feel about Jewel, and it is comforting to know that you understand. ::hugs:: and purrs and love to you <3

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  24. My eyes teared up a couple of times reading this. The fact that you still cry for Jewel touched that spot in me that still cries for my dog Tidbit whom I lost this past June. And the special things not to be touched, oh my! My roommate piled a few of her things on the counter and I flipped my lid, putting them back where my girl had last left them. It was weeks before I would vacuum my bedroom or clean my bathroom floor. I wanted her fur there forever, I suppose.

    Such great tips you share for anyone grieving the loss of a pet. For some of us they truly are our best friends and it really does hurt our heart as much as losing a human loved one, if not more.

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  25. Great advice, losing a pet you loved dearly feels the same as losing a family member to many of us. Another thing Never to do is ask "are you going to replace her/him?" or say that they should "get another cat/dog" right after the loved pet has passed away. I'm amazed at how often people say these things - it's like asking a widow, right after her spouse's death, if she thinks she'll every marry again. It's the height of insensitivity!

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    1. Cathy, you have a wonderful point! I've been asked if I was getting another cat just a mere couple of weeks after I lost Jewel, and I was really shocked that anyone would ask me that so soon. I love your analogy, too. Maybe that will help others understand why they shouldn't ask that.
      Purrs <3

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  26. Gweat posty.

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Lexi

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  27. Great post ! Everyone grieves in his own way, taking the time he needs for it... Purrs

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  28. Wonderful post. There is no schedule or pattern to grief, it's such an individual process. I don't think there's such a thing as closure when it comes to mourning. Yes, life goes on, and the pain lessens, but that hole in our hearts never quite heals.

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  29. Great post.....everyone grieves in their own way and it's important that we DO experience that range of emotion to release those feelings. We need to recognize that it's "alright" to grieve - some people try to hide it or hold it in and that's just not healthy to do. Being there for each other is important too.

    Pam

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  30. nicely said. nicely done.
    {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
    for u and yours.
    Mitsu and the Homestead Colony cat
    >^;^<

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  31. It's always healing when we speak from the heart. I'm glad my pet loss study helped.

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  32. Well written and beautiful. Island Cats are right - there is no timeline for grief.

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  33. Thanks so much for this post. A dear friend lost her Marmalade boy this week. So sad
    Timmy

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